When you get out of your way ...

So, I have not been very active on the blog. I like to sit and think about what I did and write it down here from time to time. I do how ever jot thoughts in my personal journal as well. The truth is I have been more regularly active and focused on getting active more than ever in my life. The more I stopped worrying about writing about it on the blog, the more I was able to focus on it. Lee told me yesterday or in class that the goal was to help us realize that. 

Well, I will write when I can. The world may or may not be watching. However, I move everyday with the knowledge that whether I write or not, I must keep moving forward!

Internal debates

I woke up today morning with an internal dialogue about where to go to gym or not. It was an interesting thing to debate about - it was cold out and warm in. I have been sleeping later so, I did want to sleep in better. I think the bright side persuaded and won. I woke up and went to the gym. I have noticed my self wanting to do more things. I rode a heavy trail today on the bike. After that, I have started using weights to stretch my legs out. Today i also started some other things. It is a greater feeling to be active! Thankful! and Calmer.

Life style changes vs. Diet changes

Last night, we had supervision in our Aspire Clinic practicum class. We had a very interesting session where our therapy viewing team did a reflecting team with one of the clients. Because there was equipment malfunctioning, we went inside the room to sit with the client and the therapist to provide the feedback. 

During the feedback process, I learned a lot about myself, my life, and how I can use the sharing sessions for my own growth and benefit. Kayla spoke about the difference between people's choices to go on a diet or different diets or different things they would like to try but fail to make a life style change that is comparable with the change they hope to make. In other words, instead of making choices that are different, what if people made life style choices that make desirable choices more attainable? And may be such choices you make will be around you for the long term. 

This was interesting to me. We often tell clients to make changes to their schedule, work out more often, and other homeworks. How much are we influencing their lifestyle changes? Is it ethical to influence such changes in their lives? Exercise and the decision to be conscious of your own behavior and how that relates to your wellbeing is the start of a life style change. One is automatically committing to a greater sense of awareness and investment from one's own part to make exercise work. 

What are the cascades of changes that one can expect from it? What other changes can you make in your overall life style to be better take care of yourself? Are there rules that successful people who commit to a healthy life style follow? If so, what are these rules? I know a friend who has a reward system. She will not eat sweets or related items during the week but one week on Friday, she would do it. I realized this is similar to rules we all can develop about exercising and taking care of ourselves. So, has this assignment helped each one of us think more about lifestyle changes overall or change in one particular behavior?   

Morning ride and evening yoga

I woke up at 545 today and went to the gym for a 6.37 mile ride on the Expresso bike. The bike has special obstacle courses that you ride through. I have been doing this for a while but more consistently recently. In the morning, two friends also joined me - which was nice. The day was particularly stressful - mostly job related stresses and timing issues. I decided to go for the 530 yoga class. I must say, I was sweating as much as I did when I was on my big ride in the morning on the bike. It was a challenge. It calmed me down and centered me. A lot of what I was able to do today was part of what happened yesterday in supervision. I will speak about that in the next blog.

I want to be able to do Yoga more often. Years ago, I was a student of yoga theoretically. It really helped me understand the ancient wisdom of Yogi's who meditated for decades and were able to discover aspects of human life and human brain and body that neuroscience is uncovering today.

How hard can this be?

I see Lee's point about how non linear and unpredictable change is. It almost makes me feel like how do people change at all? I thought it will become clearer by the end of this class - but it just opened up pandoras box for me as to what really entails change. We expect our clients to do well in the midst of their already dramatic lives. When we ourselves are dealing with so much, it is hard to stay focused on the issue of change. Personally, it is quiet easy when we cave in to all the other demands and the first thing we chose to do it cut this out of the way. It's like when governments cut funds, they usually cut education or mental health investments to make up for losses. We prohibit our capacity to learn and keep ourselves sane by giving up on working out or exercising.

mornings?

So, I tried a morning routine today. I went directly to the gym the first thing in the morning. I felt refreshed and good but during the day I did feel a a lot more tired than usua. It is around 953 right now and I am already feeling the effects of it and i am ready to sleep. I guess that is a good thing overall because it forces me to go to sleep early and then wake up early too I guess. I have a talk I have to give tomorrow. Hopefully exercise will help me in the morning to focus, recall, be less anxious, and more focused during my talk.

Continued journeys ...

I have not stopped exercising at all. I have been more regular at it than I have ever been in my life. Consistency has been super. The trouble is trying to get it done in the morning. After a small bike accident, I had to take a few days off from intense running. However, I did walk almost every day. It still goes on in a positive manner.

Empathy or apathy?

So, should this experience of tracking our own change processes make us more empathetic or apathetic and lose all hope for change in our lives? I think for me, it has been a wake up call to recognize that change is incremental and it takes time. My supervisor said that change can happen over night but the build up to it is quiet a long path in itself. I knew theoretically about how change is a long process - however, at the micro level, I was struck by how our readings and experiences are influencing my clinical understanding of change and how that happens to us in our lives.

I hope my attempts to start and restart change helps me realize the interconnectedness and the dance of change in our own lives, which can help me be more empathetic to change efforts in client's lives. I often see that our clients are far more resilient and capable than we ever are in creating some of the changes we ask them to do. However, the power structure of therapy never helps them realize their own power. The best we can do is to help them get out of their own way so they set up for success vs. set up for failure with goals, homeworks, and evaluations.

Too much to listen to

One of my favorite discussions in class was when Lee talked to us about the history clients bring with them to our therapy room. And how therapy is another context where by they are receiving alternate inputs on how to live their life or alter the choices they have already made. As I sit with clients now, I cant help imagine the added, compounded effect of my interaction with them and the pressure they are facing to improve, get better, and get healthier. 

Sleep, eat, exercise, on a regular basis - can this be the magical formula for every one? how do we help them negotiate their social contracts they have with each other? How do we help the socially anxious and less extraverted people recognize the value of relationships in their life? How do we essentially help them get out of their own way of progress and change. 

I guess the question is, what is our own epistemology making changes in our lives. How do we as therapists make the decisions we make? If we are less clear about how we inform our world view and decisions, does that impede our attempts at helping others figure out their own pathways? Should the doctor heal himself or herself before healing the patient? 

Andrew Young spoke few weeks ago and he said there is so much around us today, we have a hard time choosing what to get angry about. We also have a hard time choosing on what is right and what is the right amount of goodness to improve our lives. It's an ebb and flow situation.  

Have I stopped?

So, in my persistence of change and continuity regarding physical activity stop? Yes and No. I have been walking, with friends, gone for jog in the intra mural fields, gone by the lake, the railway tracks etc., Although since the week I have not been well, I have been less regular in the intensity work outs as prescribed by the spark book. 

Every discussion in class helps me think about how critical my own behavior is in strengthening the mind body connection. Hearing that exercise intensity strengthens the neural system to help it better manage the use of muscles was such a revelation. I think I am surrounded by too many advises and pathways of a healthy living? It is often hard to decide what to choose to follow consistently because every one has a say in what is right and effective. So what is right and effective? I have no freaking clue. 

 

Change is hard !

I was sitting in the therapy room with a client who was dealing with depression, very challenging life circumstances, difficult socio-economic circumstances, a negative relational context, and so on. Most cases that end up in the therapy room will have one or more of these themes present. After all that is why they are in the therapy room. 

Going through the change processes in our class has made me more sensitive to how we set ourselves up and mostly our clients to be ready for failure. My struggle in the therapy room has been to identify mechanisms through which I can prevent doing that to the clients I work with on a daily basis. If life was simple as following instructions, therapy would be a less significant profession in human history. But because there are biological, social, relational, political, and economic streams each of us swim against or with, the challenge of making change is harder than ever. 

If not helping me recognize the positive effects after a run or the joy of being outside, this class has helped me understand what we expect of our clients is something we can rarely accomplish consistently. It changes your perspective towards growth and challenges. 
 

 

So first effects of sleep (lack of)

Wednesday - Oct 3rd. 

I woke up to the rude awakening of my alarm clock - Yes, I used it!!!

So, the effect of no sleep or less sleep was very evident today. Last few days or for more than a week, I have had consistent sleep. I have not seen beyond 1130 and most nights, I am in bed by 1030. However, last night one of my good friends Rico Brown came over. We talked for a bit. Now, Rico left at a good time like at 1130. However, I was caught up in watching a Hindi movie called Rajneeti (means politics). Of course Hindi movies are horribly long (except this one didnt have the usual dance sequences and all that). So, I went to bed around 115 ~ 130. Bad idea. 

So, when I woke up in the morning, I could clearly feel it. Since our sleep class, I have tried to go to bed early and wake up by my self. And that has worked great. I plan to go home early today from work to catch two hours of sleep hopefully :-)

Another day at the gym

Tuesday - October 2 

Work in the morning - came home and went to the gym int he afternoon and rode the Expresso bike which sort of has  like a video game component on it. I rode like 8 miles on it and in better speed than I had before the previous days. Again, the positive effects, confidence, etc., were the outcomes. 

I noticed that in my clinical work in the evening, especially in supervision, I was more present and able to pick up larger themes as I observed clients. I also had a overwhelming sense of thankfulness or gratitude for a lot of things in life. This was a special feeling to own and have. 

Thankful. 

The beginning of a new week

Monday night spin classes are crazy. I had a new instructor this time. He was interesting but challenging. He kept talking the whole time about mexican food and what he is going to eat for dinner. He liked to believe he was motivating us - in reality, he was motivating himself. And some of the things he said was not very appetizing :-). 

So, that was a very good class. I started noticing the difference before and after the class. Not only do I sleep better, I also feel the focus, concentration, positive evaluations of my life, and greater drive to stay focused. Also, I must admit sleep has been more consistent.  

So another day

So another day of activities in my life. I didnt get up to go to the class in the morning, but in the evening I walked from 8 to almost 10 o clock with a friend. The evening walk was extended as I had no other form of activity during the day. I hope to keep this up and stay ahead of the game in my commitment. This weekend would be interesting to see how much physical activity I get. I am about to go to sleep. I need to work on that next. 

 

Social interactions help as well?

As I was reflecting on my new found spurt of growth, persistence, and commitment to stay active and focused, I am reminded of the various factors that may be influencing it. 

Today, for example, I finished work and went to the gym for a run before my sessions. I usually plan to do that, but never end up doing it. I ran on the treadmill (dont hate because I did) for a while and came home. Clearly, the cognitive part of reading SPARK and understanding the interconnections of how all this works has definitely motivated me. 

I need to find something other than running and spinning. The book speaks of finding more challenging tasks that involves learning finer skills will stretch and challenge more parts of your brain. 

This past weekend, I was at Virginia Tech, surrounded by what I describe as a web of love, compassion, and care. I met the dearest and closest of my mentors, and influencers who changed my life for the better. I think that also has to do with the new found route of recovery this week. 

Hopefully, with enough physical activity and commitment to change, we can all become like the zebra that does not have to think twice after being attacked by a lion. 

Step 1 in Recovery

Last night's spin class took me on a good high. I was consistent and persistent through out the class. I hated it when the instructor played really bad music for a spin class. I love blue grass. But blue grass is the last genre of music I want to hear when I am in a spin class!!! 

Besides the frustrations, I came home relaxed and fulfilled. Spark, the book and Lee, our professor reminds me that our bodies are meant to be pushed. The class was excellent, but it felt like I could have been pushed for more. I started noticing the effects on my body and mental state after the workout. I was clear headed, was ready to do tasks one by one as I had them laid out, ate a healthy dinner and went to work. I slept well at night. 

Waking up after about 7 and a half hours of sleep felt good. Daniel had asked if there is a link between the gaba pills and sleep. May be there is, I am back on the pills again and this time, I am motivated to stay on.

Recovery week ?

So, couple of changes has to happen this week. And some changes have already begun. I appreciate everybody's comments. I need to write, firstly shorter blogs. Apparently, longer blogs dont count for three. Lee really wants 3 blogs per week. So, I will have to double up for the weeks I missed. 

Since Monday (yesterday), I have been on the physical activity trail for sure. I went for spin class yesterday. I have been reading the book Spark over the weekend and it has been more than motivating and exciting. The role of physical activity in learning and feeling better is well documented in that book. 

I have never noticed how my body felt or how much more focused I am after a run or a work out session. I clearly do now. Yesterday was the first experience of that. 

I will write more about that in the next blog about what happened today. 

So, lack of sleep consistently = really bad hangover

So, last week - I fell off the wagon, slid off and slipped, and all the analogies you can think of to basically say, I didnt exercise as regularly as I hoped to nor take the pills regularly. The reason - this big distracting, over worked conference in CLT for the family therapy association. From wednesday of last week till Sunday, I averaged 4 hours of sleep a night and some of those nights, let's say I had more than one drink. Somehow, I feel like I stretched my biological capabilities this past week. On Sunday, I slept early and have been sleeping early. Because of sleep catching, I have not been able to exercise regularly at all. I do have to say, when I was in CLT, i felt better, healthier, and better than ever. Bruce is right. It did increase my sense of accomplishment, mastery in the things I was able to. I hope to get back to it soon. This next week, I shall be back on track.

Some what persistent

So, since the last time I sat down to write, I have been more physically active than in the previous weeks before this class began. I have received my GABA pills and have drawn three Mandalas. I have spend time reflecting on my drawings. I have been more conscious about my sleep. I am more or less good about what I eat - except, I had bread today with a burger. I went to gym in the morning today, walked in the evening, and have been walking on and off during the weekend. I have been less pushy about my self in trying to stay focused. I have been more intentional about sleep. I know we have not read the chapters on sleep yet for class. But sleep debt is a big marker for negative health outcomes. 

So from today, I started taking 2 pills in the morning and 2 GABA pills in the evening. My goal is to be consistent with that and be motivated to do the best I can to stay on task. I have plans to go to the Gym tomorrow morning as well. Getting to bed early and rising early has been a problem for me. So, my goal is to hit the bed early today. 

We do so much to our body that we do not know. The human body and mind is far beyond the reach of our understanding. Even the little we know is hidden truths. Because how what we know is connected to things we do not know still remains mysterious to scientists, let alone therapists. For example, we all know social relationships do something for us and it improves health. Research has not been able to point out the mechanisms through which things become better for us. 

Hopefully, soon - some what persistent changes to persistent :-) 

2 times this week and here is to more

So, obviously I have no pictures. I will start having pictures up soon - only if Bruce Ross is okay with post b-ball sweat pictures being online. Yes, I have been playing b ball with Bruce. I have been wanting to play and Bruce has reciprocated and we have played a good hour for two days now this week. It is refreshing and calming to say the least. I also went for a long bike ride last Friday. So, that is 3 times since last Friday and the movement keeps coming.

I wish I had a picture of how my GABA and other things are firing now in my head and how much longer do i have to do this till they develop a new pattern and plasticity :-)

While physical activity has improved, what still remains in the corner is the ability to get through lists of things I have to do. Now, that could be because I make too vague of a list or too much on a list. I get through most of them - some of them I rarely do. For example, writing a letter to a family that writes me every week. Some weeks I am on it, and other weeks I am not. It is quiet annoying because I know I have to write and they write regularly (although their letters are more generic and they write to many people and adds a small part that is unique to each recipient). Any ways, I have two letters with me and I have not written them back.

Of course, the other list items are things for school - what graduate students ought to do. Things like reading for class, reading outside class, and of course trying to embark on a dissertation. The relationship there is interesting - some weeks I am on and other weeks I am not. I guess it's a cycle. I hope the more I am able to get active, the more consistent I can become in sitting down to persist on a particular activity.

The other thing I did this week, which is more a personal process that active (more reflective)is the practice of mandala drawing. Mandalas are an ancient budhist practice and Carl Jung was one of the first individuals to use mandalas as a way of personal growth tool. To find out more about it here is a link - http://www.carl-jung.net/mandala.html I learned this as part of my expressive arts therapy class and I use it with my clients (though off late, I have not been integrating such work into therapy). The class I took had all the students do this and other techniques for several weeks. It is a great way to center yourself and understand the various themes in your life. My goal is to work with mandalas as often as I can as it helps me keep centered and more focused. It tunes out the noises and keeps mind at ease when I am able to do it. I am hoping this will have some value to my GABA challenge as well.

Thank you for all your comments. I look forward to interacting with all of you more - especially social work students.

- Deepu

Challenge continues ..

Challenge continues ..

So, the idea of GABA challenge emerges from an experience and of course other theories of neurotransimtters and its effects on behaviors. The first influence comes from Dr. John Bandy. Bandy is a chiropractor and holistic practitioner in Austin, Texas. With the process of muscle testing and a brief assessment through called "Braverman's Assessment", he prescribes supplements to boost certain neurotransmitter activities. If you are interested in the assessment, follow this link and you can know for your self: http://www.austinholistichealth.com/forms/braverman_assessment_document.pdf

When I first went there, I took the assessment before meeting him (that was the instruction). His assistant / intern / resident or future healer completed muscle testing on me. Muscle testing involves the practitioner asking you to resist the pressure they put on you. For example, they will tell you to stretch out your hand and meet the pressure of their hand as they try to press your hand down. While this whole thing sounds fishy and somewhat shamanic, the results are outstanding. (For more on wisdom of nature, oriental practices, and how the logical and scientific frame of western thinking biases us to think less of other practices read "occidental errors in epistemology" commentary by Gregory Bateson). Or at least the way they make sense of it.

Once you enter to see Dr. Bandy, he does his own testing and he will talk to you. As he is pushing you around and stress testing your body, he will begin to talk to you about what he is feeling. He asked me about emotional stresses in my life that I only knew about. In short, he can feel your body through your muscles to tell you what parts are being affected and at the end of the day, he suggested a GABA drop for me. The Braverman assessment form basically checks for 4 things: dopamine deficiency, acetycholine deficiency, GABA deficiency, serotonin deficiency. The idea is that your scores on that should be all low. Mine was really high for GABA. GABA according to Bandy is the "smooth operator" or helps you flow well with all the different demands in your life. It smooths out rough edges. Jagged edges are basically anxiety. So, for me, it manifests in much brooding (here is where I wish I was a zebra without ulcers) - this existential angst stuff - yeah, I own it. Sometimes i feel i discovered and patened it. Trust me, least helpful when you are as thought consuming and experience meaning making as I am. So, i have trouble staying on task and completing things ( as you can witness from my random rants). Great combination for a final year doctoral student! So here I am again - trying to adjust and increase to my GABA deficiencies once again. So, if you don't read my blog for a bit - GABA has not kicked in. Knock on my head or something when

I took the supplements for a while - so what happened? My habits were stronger than the supplement - therefore the consistency with which I took it obviously reduced. So here I am back again, juggling a thousand thoughts. I had gone back to Bandy a second time - and I had to take the Braverman's assessment again. Well, predictably with the way my neurons fire and GABA flows and general consistency of personality patterns, I was doing the test even as I was entering the door step of his clinic. His diagnosis was pretty clear as I walked in doing the test - "This guy clearly needs more GABA?"

So of course, second trial has also failed. In the GABA challenge - my goal is to get back on both along with physical activity and art work to increase my sense of attention and regularity with which I do things. I will call Bandy's office and re-order the supplements too to help with this challenge.

The GABA Challenge

The GABA challenge blog documents my attempts at change in my own life. Inspired and challenged by a class on Mechanisms of Change in Family Therapy, I have decided to focus on two things: increasing the amount of physical activity and gaining more focus in my life. I have attempted at these things before - but have had intermittent successes and failures in the process.

So, what makes this journey different: - Hopefully, the fact that people will be reading this blog. Although pressure is not the ideal element that induces change, but social pressure may help this time? May be? Anyone agree? Second, a lot of the reading in this class helps me realize that much of my physical and physiological capacities sort of depend on me. So, the presence of colleagues - hopefully supportive and not pressurizing - and the imminent fear created in me by reading all the stuff for this class (the price of inactivity basically), I shall make this a different journey.

For physical activity, my goal is to go to the gym three times a week and get together with people to play pick up games - mostly basketball and table tennis. To help with focus, I am considering re-taking some GABA supplements, and Mandala drawings.

Though, I was late in putting this blog up, I shall stay more committed. My chiropractor will say there is not enough GABA in the system.